He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
