i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
