drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like a drive thru vagina
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
