I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
