You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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