Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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