i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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