it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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