omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
