It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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