Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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