who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
