There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
