I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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