Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
