Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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