Don't make out with my wife yet
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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