Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
