my phone needs a breathalizer
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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