If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
