I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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