Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
