Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
