First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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