I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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