she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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