i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
