So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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