There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
