I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
