Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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