Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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