I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
