I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
