i just snorted my name. best moment ever
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
