new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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