the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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