I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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