I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
