I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
