imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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