if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
