I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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