I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
