dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
