remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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