My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
