Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
whose parrot is this?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
