WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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