im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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