Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
